After a few months in a relationship with a person, we all ask ourselves where exactly the relationship is going. No one indeed wants to end up being in a situation that does not lead anywhere. That would be time wastage. But when spending time with somebody you care about, and you are thinking long term, you want to know whether you want to invest your feelings there or not. If you are spending a lot of time with your partner, maybe on a casual basis, and enjoying your time with them, you are bound to start developing feelings for them, so one may wonder, when is the right time to ask where the relationship is going? Keep in mind, if you are asking yourself this question, and you are thinking of asking the other person, then you want the relationship to head somewhere into the future.
How to tell you are ready to ask this question.
We all know how matters of relationships are very hard. It’s All about commitments and understanding. And one may be caught up in their feelings without considering what the other person might be feeling in the process. If you find yourself in a position where you are ready to commit to the person in your life at the moment, then it is about time. Here are some of the clear signs you are ready to ask this question;
- You constantly want their attention- there is no better indication that you are starting to have feelings for them. This is perfectly fine because if you enjoy spending your time with them, I think it’s worth it.
- When you are jealous when he is around other girls- maybe at the beginning of the relationship, it’s just a casual thing, and you didn’t care if other girls were around him much. But as the relationship progresses, you start getting jealous of other girls around him, and then it’s about time you asked where all of it headed.
- If you are already intimate, then it’s about time to ask. All intimacy issues are very complicated. Once you are already intimate with him, you now want him all to yourself, and you also want to remain exclusive to be safe. Then you want to ask him where all this is headed.
Dos and Don’ts while asking the question
The real question is, how exactly do you want to approach this topic with him.
Here are some of the dos and don’ts:
● Be straightforward- while you are ready to ask this question, you want to be very straightforward. Do not beat around the question. Be very precise and specific when you want to talk. Tell him exactly how you feel about the direction of the relations. State your feelings and let him know you want the relationship to advance and you want to advance to what level exactly. Do not shy away from asking the hard questions. And again, do not hesitate to answer questions he asks in return. Women are often made to feel ashamed of their feelings whenever they feel the need to express them and are sometimes labeled as ‘desperate ‘for this. But if you are willing to ask him this question. Then it would be best if you were not scared to be labeled. Aging, you might come off as too demanding, which is perfectly fine because you know what you want. The worst possible thing he could say is that he is not ready for such levels of commitment.
- Remove the emotion from the conversion. For you to approach this topic with all the confidence in the world, you need to remove the emotion from it. Think about it; once you add all the emotion, you might not communicate effectively. Again, this is also important because it helps you to remain objective. Simply because you are talking about your feelings does not mean you have got all of it. Be casual about it, remain objective by stating the facts. Keep in mind that this conversation may not go as you intended it to go, and that’s perfectly fine. Of course, you’ll be hurt; that is why removing the emotional form is very crucial.
- Listen to Him- why does it say listen to him. Often, we are caught up in our feelings that we do not listen to the other person when they are talking. Listening is essential because while you are upfront about your feelings, the other person is not directly about it. So listening will give you here where they stand on the issue. You might also be able to get some clues while reading in between the lines with this person.
- Have a timeline in your head- after you have had this talk, set a clear deadline for this relationship. Do not allow yourself to get caught up in the politics of the relationship. You know what you want and when you want it. Do not shy away from this. Yes, you might come off as very demanding, but it’s okay, this is your life, and you want to take control of your love life. Setting a clear time for when you eat such a commitment is important. It will let you know when to move on and when to stay.
- Do not try to change their mind. Before you decide to talk to him about the direction of the relationship, he already knows where he stands with you. So regardless of what you say or do. If he has already said no, then it’s a no. And trust me, if you insist, he will string you along, and you will get hurt in the process. If it does not pun out, it’s safe to pack up and go. You will heal, but at least I will be honest with you.
- Do not settle for ‘let’s see where it goes”- you know where you want it to go, and the relationship doesn’t take itself anywhere. The individuals in the relationship are responsible for the direction it takes. To me, the “let us just have fun “and the “let’s see where it goes’ excuses not just to hold water. Once I hear such words, I automatically know that is my cue to leave. So, my advice is, I do not accept this excuse. Let me define what that is so that you prepare yourself.
- Let him know that you are getting other offers. If this does not spook him anyway, then I don’t know what will. If you are getting other offers, it is better to have this talk with him before you let other opportunities pass for something you are not very sure about. If you don’t like what you hear, it’s about time to move on.
- Don’t let him get in your head- I know how easy this is. You come to talk to him with an agenda, and all of a sudden, he convinces you to drop it, and you do, or he says I don’t want to talk about it”. That is a red flag why is he pushing away this topic? Do not allow yourself to be lured away from your thoughts. Be firm about it, and do not procrastinate.
- Do not beg- you do not want him to be with you out of pity. You can cry during the concentration, especially if you are a very emotional person but do not beg him to be in a relationship with you. He will automatically assume that you are very desperate for him. Everything else will move downhill hence. There will be a lack of respect, and he might start taking you for granted. Walk away with your dignity intact.
- Do not become abusive with him when he says no. refrain from being abusive. Of course, you will be hurt, and you will be angry. There will be other ways to express how you are feeling, you can have an emotional outburst but refrain from taking it on an extreme level. Both of you are equally responsible for everything in the relationship. Do not apportion blame. Rejection hurts, but you don’t have to hurt him in return.
All in all, I would suggest that you be prepared to have a negative answer. This is because men are particular about what they want. They don’t like wasting time on what they want. They are natural hunters and lock down what they want for them to feel safe. So if you are already asking him this question, there is a huge possibility that you are not what he wants for the long term. Maybe you are just great for casual things but not a serious relationship. In my experience, because I have found myself in a position where I have had to ask him this question, it was not pleasant. I was scared of his answer, and his reaction and the labeling and his answer were no. I was shattered, but at least I knew, which enabled me to move on. So whether you get a positive answer or a negative one, this question is worth asking.